Lipgloss and letdowns

2009-11-29T05:58:00.000-08:00

dear blog,

this is the most handsomest guy signing off. in hope and great faith.

will all be alright at the end of the day?

i guess we will never know right?

will we have hope again?

will honesty and sincerity be part of an essential ingredient?

or will we all just end up lonely, or in malay we say, rasa sepi.

because everything that is worth fighting for, should be fought.

everyone deserves a second chance, but the question is will we take it with open arms and learn from our mistakes.

"kerana dunia ini tidak mampu mencari destinasinya tersendiri, kita perlu berusaha untuk munuju ke arah yang betul"

"mungkinkan bersama dua jiwa ini, akan menjadi cinta sejati, mungkinkah segala derita di jiwa, akan terubah kini

2009-05-31T10:18:00.000-07:00

Plato's Symposium.

I wish I knew what I was doing or getting myself into. Actually you know what, I do. And yet I just can't seem to step away and look at it through a more sensible view. I've turn into one of those many people I criticize and despise who can't seem to consider anything with emotions in a separate bag.

Oh fuck it, I have looked at it at every possible sensiblefucking angle. The only step that's lacking is calling the shots. A simple decision at two extreme ends, both inevitably leading to the same result. So what is the god damn fucking point then?

Live in the moment, mourn later? Mourn now and live restlessly with en even more troubled mind?

2009-05-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

Omg its like I have two eyes + If I break my fuck band does that mean I have to fuck myself?

J-Get your ass home!

Leen-Im dRinking s loud you not sex

J-Tat is fkin hilarious but get UR FKIN ASS HOME NOW EILEEN WONG

Leen-I will i loud you

Leen- if youre still yack3o in 30 i loud you

All I've managed to encrypt is I loud you=I love you. Cause someone needs to keep a tab on you cause you have blackouts. You blardy alcoholic of a whore!

GET YOUR ARSE HOME.

2009-05-17T10:28:00.000-07:00

Fake plastic trees.

She looks like the real thing,

She tastes like the real thing,

My fake plastic love.

But I can't help the feeling,

I could blow through the ceiling,

If I just turn and run.

and

It wears me out.

2009-05-17T02:30:00.000-07:00

Whatever that drives me to you, drives me insane!

2009-05-08T13:30:00.000-07:00

Inevitably.

I guess it was right, at that exact time when she said that you were not the one I wanted to fix me.

Cause he does it so effortless.

Looks like you haven't lost your sense for always knowing what's right.

Still Christina, still my person.

2009-04-19T00:24:00.000-07:00

Have a heart and try me.

I've been thinking about that line you said to me. That infamous line that has been imprinted in my head for the past 5 months. That relief and self doubt of a line that I cant seem to remember anymore.

I've been wondering if I made the right choice, if I had a said the utmost simplest word would I finally have you. Instead I chose silence, left for your inference.

"You stood at my door with your hands on my waist and you kissed me like you meant it. I know that you meant it."

I've finally figured, finally discovered that you were merely giving me what I want. But it was hard to see amidst our history that this time, you were being sincere.

and you, you might just turn out to be like him.

2009-04-07T09:37:00.000-07:00

"Please don't feed me lies about some idealistic future."

An almost always recurring event; the banner of avoidance. Developed through past events and experience and more recurring themes. For the sole reason that if I stop and stay, and express my thoughts, feelings, the outcome would be this: "I give up" and the infamous line: "You're/she's so complicated."

So can you really blame me when I choose to avoid and run instead of stand under the spotlight of your questions only to expose myself and have you inevitably turn the other way.

2009-03-13T07:44:00.000-07:00

I am one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind

You who never arrived

in my arms, Beloved, who were lost

from the start,

I don't even know what songs would please you.

I have given up trying to recognise you in the

surging waves of the next moment.

All the immense images in me- the far-off, deeply felt

landscapes, cities, towers and bridges, and unsuspected

turns in the path, and those powerful lands that

were once pulsing with the life of the gods

all rise within me to mean,

You, who forever elude me.

-Rilke-

Never forgotten.

2009-03-13T06:22:00.000-07:00

What I want.

I've been tired for days and days and empty in between.

2009-03-05T07:02:00.000-08:00

I don't want to be in love. I just want to be touched.

How do I say this? See, I don't want to forget you. I never have. I just don't think about you, and this would have been record breaking if not for this excusable weak moment.

God I miss you. I miss your smell and your smooth skin, especially on mine. I miss the tangles in your hair and that semi infectious laughter that makes me smile unconsciously. I miss your hands and the way they pull me in. and the funny noises you make.

Most of all, I miss your lips and the bruises they give me.

No, I don't want you. I just want to use you.

So call me.

2009-03-03T08:10:00.000-08:00

My person.

Jihan says:

"I want moonlight and flowers and people trying to feel me up. Noone is trying to feel me up" -meredith grey (Greys Anatomy S3,E3)

Damn. I feel her pain... *sob*

fiery says:

hahaha

did u just say *sob*?

wow u really must be horny

Jihan says:

dude thats you

fiery says:

HAHHA

is stupid.

2009-03-03T06:59:00.000-08:00

L'Amor + Jw.

2009-02-27T02:00:00.000-08:00

You're like a rocket in my mind.

2009-02-21T08:48:00.000-08:00

"What I need is something non-verbal."

I don't know if this is how its suppose to be. If life is suppose to be this hard. No its not constant, but like surging waves. Moments which seem to prolong than expected. Maybe its the growing up, that I've come to accept, albeit all my denials we're all eventually growing apart.

You see, for me, is that Im still here and you you and you have all left and I am still right here. Rooted to the same exact spot with the same and possibly more troubled mind. And while everyone's able to go about with their dailies I can only pretend to.

but this is getting old and all I want is to get out.

Like I said, disappearance happen. Pain go phantom, blood stops running and people fade away. There's more I have to say. So much more. But I've disappeared.

2009-02-15T08:43:00.000-08:00

"We can spill all our regrets."

When your person is too busy for shit, you find a true confidante in cancer sticks.

2009-02-14T06:24:00.000-08:00

14.

Extinguish Thou my eyes: I still can see Thee,

deprive my ears of sound: I still can hear Thee,

and without feet I still can come to Thee,

and without voice I still can call to Thee.

Sever my arms from me, I still will hold Thee

with all my heart as with a single hand,

arrest my heart, my brain will keep on beating,

and should Thy fire at last my brain consume,

the flowing of my blood will carry Thee.

My idea of love may be unconventional, but nevertheless..

2009-02-12T02:54:00.000-08:00

"I've got a fleeting mind."

If you think about it, no one really cares. What's that saying? We don't communicate we just take turns talking. That's just it, cause no one is really listening, too immensed in their own thoughts and problems to take notice of another.

No one truly cares do they. Cause everyone has their own shit to go about. And people wonder why anyone would get involved in alcohol and drugs. This is exactly the reason; no one fucking cares. There is only an extent to which people can put up with and that is why we rely on substance and chemicals. To shut the voices out, yours and mine both.

So you know what, all of you can just fuck off. I am too tired of pretending for everyone that everything is okay. I have no concern for your problems whatsoever.

2009-02-12T02:33:00.000-08:00

Crush of convenience.

You made my day.

"And the starts compliment the sky but you're all I want to see."

2009-02-03T06:56:00.000-08:00

Finding my way back.

If you are a dreamer, I am what you dream

But when you want to wake. I am your wish,

and I grow strong with all magnificence

and turn myself into a star's vast silence

above the strange and distant city.

2009-02-01T00:29:00.000-08:00

Im one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind.

I do not think of you constantly, but it comes and goes, occasionally hitting me with a slight epiphany that is never really there.

I still think that I'll bump into you like so we do so many times before.

I do not think of you because if I do, I'll have to face the fact that the last memory you had of me was one of despair and cruelty. I never had the chance to say Im sorry, sorry for taking you for granted. Sorry that this realisation of life and mistakes had to come with the loss of another.

I may seem effortless but for you I try.

I miss you.

and I promise I will stop overlooking you.

2009-01-29T10:00:00.000-08:00

Im neither here nor there and its shit. Fucking shit I tell you. Its a state of mind, I swear Im not making this shit up. No wait its not a state of mind its the opposite of a state of mind I've no idea what Im on about but you get the picture. My head hurts. God my hate fucking hurts! I've a theory, either all the way or none at all. Cause being in between, well it sucks major hairy balls.

and you, god its like you were buried under all my thoughts and in between my made ups. And now, now you're here. I just want you to go away. Go away. Its like you're already gone but your presence, at least in my head is still lingering around.

My head fucking hurts.

2009-01-27T01:50:00.000-08:00

"Do you love me? You don't even know me."

I think I know why I do it. Its not the attempts to forget but its the attempts of conjuring something up. I chemically bleach my brain to reach this certain high, where all I want to do is just be left alone with my thoughts (more than usual on normal days) and a cigarette in the other hand and lay and try to fade away. Im not fazed about the loud music cause they're secondary to my thoughts and the lights, oh, they take me to a whole new level.

Thing is I don't want anyone to pull me up, What I want is someone to take a spot beside me in silence. Not everyone can be saved, I guess that's what you thought you could do. I don't want to be saved, and I don't need to be rescued. I never asked you to.

"... and I know you'll be leaving ...

you put a crown on my head

but Im wishing you never had,

cause now I've less than I ever had."

2009-01-26T04:27:00.000-08:00

Good morning heartache.

Lets face it, I miss you and your scent is wearing off and I don't have you at my dispose anymore.

2009-01-24T04:31:00.000-08:00

Just because Im hurting, doesn't mean Im hurt.

My mom told me I needed to start exercising. So I went for a walk and smoked a pack of cigarettes.

and my person is out doing the nasty and Im the one who gets called the whore.

2009-01-19T04:11:00.000-08:00

When does it become too much?

I've got troubled thoughts and the self esteem to match.

What a catch,

What a catch.

You'll never keep up so let me be instead.

2009-01-13T04:25:00.000-08:00

You said to write you a song

so here, this is for you

Now as you toss through those lonely nights

Just know there is someone thinking of you

Everyone is waiting for the timing to be right

And we hope its coming soon

so just rest your eyes and then...

You'll be in love again

We talked and the moon was bright

Your words were glowing as they drifted out of sight

But now the change of the seasons sets in

and nothing, nothings feels just right

We fear these nights and then we compromise

Yeah, but morning always comes

so just rest your eyes and then...

You'll be in love again.

2009-01-06T07:57:00.000-08:00

Chin up always.

Hus once told me that Im complicated. That though complexity is intriguing it can get tiring, and all anyone ever wants is something simple. (and they can't be blame for that). He says that I do this thing, where my body language says one thing and my mind another.

"Im broken and this is my life"

"No, you're broken and waiting for someone to fix you"

"He fixed me. He wants to fix me!"

"He fixed you but you didn't want to be fixed. So yes, you're broken but you want the right person to fix you."

Sometimes letting people in means abandoning the walls you've took a life time building. So no, I don't do stupid feelings and trust is not easy to come by. And when it does, its always too late. So no, I don't let it to begin with.

2009-01-06T03:51:00.000-08:00

Maybe you'll be something I'll be good at.

I laid in bed for an hour trying to find emotions.

2009-01-02T00:27:00.000-08:00

I have never ever

All credit at the end of new years goes to cricket <3

2009-01-01T07:39:00.003-08:00

Melt my heart to stone.

Im attempting to get through the first day of a new year without falling back on my knees all over again. Though it was spent with great company and a cigarette burn to remind me always, again I manage with no effort whatsoever to dig myself a grave.

I am so emotionally detached that I cannot be fucked, even more than usual to give a shit about anything or anyone. All I want this year is frankly, just space. Space to grow and more to fall. I don't want to care about this shit called feelings, I've had too much of it and want no part of it at all.

Im sorry that I've changed, that its a complete reverse from what I used to be, that its not gradual but too sharp for even myself to handle. Truth is, I've managed to hide and pretend so much it doesn't feel like playing pretend anymore when you realise its just not there to begin with.

What I need is coffee and cigarettes and the liberty to let loose. What everyone precludes is my fragility and their immediate offer of protection. What they forget is, that I have been taking care of myself this whole time.

I will find myself back this year.

2008-12-31T06:27:00.000-08:00

Slipping a quickie before the boys come over.

My years has always started out and ended good, its the in betweens that have always been tough. But 08 for the most part, has been god awesome and much to my own dismay, Ive actually grown. A complete 360 flip actually.

Ive been too emotionally detached, and we've (my person and I) agreed that its not me. So 09 will be about finding our way back, finding my way back. Ive played this year out rather well actually, and though Ive never made the right choices, Ive still managed to come out of them breathing.

So cheers to 2008 and I welcome 2009 with open arms.

We started off the year together, and we'll end it the same. (Baby Buddha, Falcon Leader, Kitty Kat, Private Mango and Rainbow mojo)

2008-12-15T04:26:00.000-08:00

Baby Buddha, Private Mango and Pocahontas.

"Time should stop right now", but we'll have too many more to come to feel despair over lost moments.

Its second star to the right, and straight on till morning! Cause we'll always be, eternally five. I love you guys mucho mas.

2008-12-10T03:52:00.000-08:00

But that wont take me anyhow, anywhere with you.

I cant tell you how long it will take,

cause words don't make

what I make, with him.

________________________

What we need is to get back, stop the running and go back; its just temporary.

2008-11-22T06:20:00.000-08:00

Moving Forward

The deep parts of my life pour onward, as if the river shores were opening out. It seems that things are more like me now, That I can see farther into paintings. I feel closer to what language cant reach. With my senses, as with birds, I climb into the windy heaven, out of the oak, in the ponds broken off from the sky my falling sinks, as if standing on fishes.

(You will never burn my heart out)

2008-11-04T06:06:00.000-08:00

Either way Ill break your heart anyway.

You dont survive in me
because of memories.
Nor are you mine
because of a lonely longings strength.
What does make you present
is the ardent detour that
a slow tenderness
traces in my blood.
I do not need to see you appear
being born sufficed for me
to lose you a little less.

Parts of me wished that you would have just infinitely disappeared. So in my head, you'd always be my perfect what-if. A possible ambiguity I could always wrap myself around. But each time you came back, more tainted than before, my obsession and desire burned out.

You never really wanted me, and neither did I.

2008-10-26T21:33:00.000-07:00

Every pleasures got an edge of pain. Pay for your ticket and don't complain.

"Because I was ready. I was fine. I was ready to give you up."

2008-10-21T07:16:00.000-07:00

"Photosynthesis is when plants make out right?"/ "Do crickets pee?"

2008-10-19T05:57:00.000-07:00

2008-10-15T05:44:00.000-07:00

"Save this selfless lines for another day"

They say you learn from your mistakes, then whats my problem? Mistakes, not once, not twice, three maybe? Honestly Ive lost count.

I can never tell you what he meant or didnt mean or mean. Pure intentions, thoughts and revelations have been clouded by absolute amounts of denial, phrased in ways that eventually turn into the taking reality.

Every day is a mere preparation of waiting for history to repeat itself. And my problem is, I know it too well. Just like I know that hope is what I need but have too much of.

Oh, Ive wanted you, want you, and never really did.

But really, what's the point? You never really wanted me. Just a clear substitution, an option, a recycle. And though I realise this, it still eludes me. What I want, and ever wanted when it came to you was for you to want me in sincerity. Like the way you wanted/want (?) her.

I should stop writing about you, speaking about you, thinking about you. But you're always there, always here, forever taunting me with the notion that I can never have you wholly.

Leave if you will, if all of this is just a game. And take the thought of you, the idea and your ideals with you. And I will watch you walk off, like so many times before with the same indefinates.

No amount of reminders would do, or the infamous post-it on my mirror. It watched as I let you build me up, just so you can break me all over again.

2008-10-13T05:17:00.000-07:00

Insert explicit amounts of cussing.

Of all the stupid shit Ive done, this is by far my most epic, blood remembering one. And yet, revelation has not dawned on me yet even after an expensive phone call to my conscience.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING.

More of a statement than a question, cause truth to the matter is, I wasnt. Period. And I am known to be the most obsessive paranoid analytical person ever.

WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO.

For the first time I can say with utter confidence that Im devoid of any feelings whatsoever. Its a kind of numbness that doesn't seem humane, that stick and stones thrown at me by my conscience has not settled down into anything. Its like throwing a stone down a never ending shaft, never hearing its echo.

Like she said, maybe Im just too broken. Thats it, defected=me.

-Give me something.

2008-10-10T04:26:00.000-07:00

I was meant for chasing dreams.

It always feels like Im running, always chasing after something or someone. Im exasperated and exhausted. By you and just everything.

Im lucky if I manage to remember to eat these days. All I rely on to get through each day is nicotine and fluid. And the already little steam I run on for never ending reading.

They say it takes courage to stay, and running is for cowards.

Well some people are just not built that way. Plus with the amount of sticks I burn each day, I doubt my heart/body can take it. Mentally, emotionally and physically.

To another day;

We are not to know why
this and that masters us;
real life makes no reply,
only that it enraptures us

makes us familiar with it.
-Rilke-

2008-10-05T08:45:00.000-07:00

Im one too many mornings and a thousand miles behind.

two.

Stop. please.

-In loving memory of BJ.

2008-09-22T07:27:00.000-07:00

Unrequited// and shit relating.

Im playing it right this time. I swear.

2008-09-13T08:45:00.000-07:00

"Baby will you be my corona and lime?"

Because the only good thing about shifting is the unpacking and the rediscovery of lost emotions and memories:-

"I dont think about the pain, and there's when my friends come in. I dont cry, cause crying wont change a thing. I just let my past be in the past and move on with life. and I know you can too, think about the people who actually care about you and mean something to you. And somehow to me, you mean the world. and its no use for me to ask you to stop, cause its up to you." -Nazirul-

2008-08-29T07:18:00.000-07:00

There's no such thing as freedom, even the birds are chained to the sky -Bob dylan.

Because uni's starting and I have no idea when internets going to be up.

J'amor misses Leen.

and Jihan misses Cheri.

2008-08-25T07:31:00.000-07:00

Romance and cigarettes.

I want my life to be red

with trees and like autumn

I'd float away from evil

and down towards the healing.

2008-08-18T07:26:00.000-07:00

For my amusement.

-Oms bouncer pic.

2008-08-17T10:13:00.000-07:00

The choice to fall apart.

is never really a choice is it?

-Thoughtless apologies and a $100 bill.

2008-08-12T07:55:00.000-07:00

Beat me bite me lick me rock me.

fiery says:
i just did a job predictor thingy which is like completely fake
fiery says:
eileen wong - teaching pensioners to drive
fiery says:
wong eileen - anything except what ure doing now
fiery says:
eileen - spinster with cats
fiery says:
seriously.

and Mine came out to be;
Farah Jihan-Head teacher
Jihan- Reality TV show star
Jihan Ariffin- Professional shopper.

God Im awesome.

Oh, and Im moving. In two weeks. (Fuck)

2008-08-11T06:55:00.000-07:00

When did we grow up? and how do we stop it.

Dont ask. Just hand me a cigarette. I hate hopefuls, those who know me know that. The truth hurts, and so does knowledge, but Id choose it over a lie anytime. Lying as an excuse to protect someone is plain bullshit.

Im a cynic and a realist, I dont see the bright side to anything. Optimism revolts me, my negativity will kill me. But so what. Ive always assumed Id die young anyways.

Fuck you, just fuck you. Where's the line? Where's the fucking line!

I am not receiving any calls till I feel better. And that will be when I start fucking eating.

(Hurt-Johnny Cash)

2008-08-10T06:48:00.000-07:00

This is my jam/code name kitty cat.

In efforts to amuse Leen; random facts about moi.

1. To date, Ive hit 4 curbs, 2 pots and 2 trees. Now in my defense, they're all non moving objects and Leen was suppose to watch out for the tree.

2. I sing along to solo guitar rifts, few people have heard my amazing talent. Yes, I rock at it.

3. I cant park to save my life, and I always drive to the furthest most emptiest spot with no cars waiting in line behind me, cause they stress me out.

4. I fall asleep on long phone conversations with boyfriends.

5. Intimacy is really not my thang.

6. I like it rough. And I can see you cringing now Leen, and the infamous "Oh did you have to!" (Yes, I did) (I always do)

7. Inserting smileys made up of symbols is excrutiatingly annoying. So if you wonder why there's no reply from me, check your texts back.

8. Im terrified of people, cats, dogs, hamsters, pregnant woman, crossing roads, cars and chilli.

9. Leens allergic to kiwi. Haha, I still cant stop laughing about this. Also realise its irrelevant but seriously, come on.

10. I have acute paranoia.

11. The boys call me snorlax? I just googled it! You fucking bastards.

J'amor misses Leen.

2008-07-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

Champagne supernova.

2008-07-13T09:23:00.001-07:00

Emotional blockage.

Because no matter how far I launch myself into the future or twist the present, at the end of the day I succumb to everything you.

Im still trying to figure out if its you, you. Or just the idea of you. Or the notion of a you that Ive made up in my head, after countless contradiction and left over memories my mind can possibly conjure up.

My best guess would be; Ive fallen for the idea of a you, a non existant you. Its an extraordinary outline of you which Ive coloured in with hopefuls and cliches. And now its become like my owm imaginary friend. Familiar and daunting, but mostly never leaving my side.

I hate you. You are someone else, and I am still right here. I hate you.

2008-07-12T06:32:00.000-07:00

Letters on Love.

How the too ample space has weakened you and me
Superfluity recollects itself suddenly.
Now wormwood and absinthe trickle through silent
sieves of kisses and bitter essence.

See, I want to surround myself with you. And thats just my problem.

2008-07-10T01:14:00.000-07:00

Zen.

-attempting zen, high.

-achieveing zen, still high.

Granted there were some stumbling, an almost 2/3, some hair sniffing and a massive heartburn. Awesome night.

Which leads to massive gratitude on my part to Leen for taking care of me. Please by all means ignore all pictures you might have of me. I swear, it's not my fault. (It never is)

Made it through the night with utter grace and then somehow managed to hit myself in the face when I got home.

Again, thanks love and for some slight satisfaction to feed my overwhelming remorse (Im being dramatic see); Dammit, I could have had my 2/3!

*Zen master signing out.

2008-06-22T04:49:00.001-07:00

FUCK OFF.

2008-06-19T11:39:00.000-07:00

I'll take you back to the start.

Two months break, and I have absolutely no idea how long its been. (Ive subsequently lost track of time and date day wtv) And the rate of my face stuffing is well just unimaginable I look like Rasputia from Norbit. I swear.

Im actually contemplating a job, partly because I need to not be not doing anything (Got you in a fizzle there, didnt i?) so I wont shove food down my throat every blardy hour. But.....

Anyways new one from amor, Sally Phillangee;the pornstar-

and Leens lost her blardy eye sight.

2008-06-14T07:27:00.000-07:00

Perhaps.

"To speak of solitude again, it becomes always clearer that this is at bottom not something that one can take or leave. We are solitary. We may delude ourselves and act as if this were not so. That is all. But how much better it is to realize that we are so, yes, even to begin by assuming it."

Please by all means, ignore Omar's look. For his defence, he was tipsy and because he's just plainly fucked. And Mir, this is exactly why my mom thinks you're gay. And Leen, I love you and all but there has got to be some sort of justification here. So;

Though no Peter pan came through postage, best gift by far babe. Thank you. I love you mucho mas.

Officially 19, but eternally, I will always be five.

2008-05-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

I hate myself and I want to die (Prozac nation/52 most depressing songs)

Depression gets exhausting after awhile. Although I haven't been "tottering across any tight rope of my precarious moodswings" lately. As Vena Cork would have put it.
But after awhile it just feels like you're trapped in the endless dronings of some harrowing song of some self indulgent addict.

That or maybe Ive been indulging in all the shit in my head, Ive had little time to wallow in my emotions. (If I have any) - Cheri will argue with me on this. Not to mention the many times in just one night Omar reminded me that I have no heart, and no emotions. Which could possibly be the reason why they constitute the nature of my heart to be some glittered styrofoam shaped heart on a stick. Thank you, but my heart grew three times since.

And is taking up too much space in my body.

And caffeine has left the building, so its time for Jihan and her almost 90 pound self to hit the covers.

2008-05-19T05:50:00.000-07:00

Turn your lights down low-Bob Marley

Im updating just for the sake of updating and so Cheri doesn't think Ive died from farting rainbows and sunshine all day.

And though Leens nail filer's gone blunt, mom just passed me a gold sprinkled scented one. Yeah, Im just rubbing it in your face hun.

Body clocks been totally haywired just from a weekend that went totally off tracked. Its amazing how much of a cow I look like now. Havent had a cigarette in 3 months and stopped hitting the gym all for the sake of studying.

I dont know what to do with myself anymore. I cant sit, I cant walk, I cant lay down. All because I can feel the fats congregating in my thighs and in my non existant arse which is now the size of Sri Lanka.

No this is not my usual super-exaggerating Jihan talk. (I kill you!)

Oh I swear I could go on all day on this but just sitting down and having this typed out is killing me. I swear I can feel every clump of fat in my body. Am so tempted to just slice them off with a butter knife.

Finals start in two days, and will be done in June. Which means its isolation time, so;

Cheri miss you loads and hopefully you're done with the microwave lunches in replace with some socialising and not bryan-nising (?) Haha, I crack myself up sometimes!

and,

Leen, I trust you with the efforts on the mouth guard and chasity belt. Just try to keep your tongue in your throat and not anyone elses, and you'll do fine.

Love you guys mucho mas, and I can be reached through text, in Jihan time. So remember, my mornings is your afternoons and my night is your am's. Please refrain from calling me at those times or I will kill you.

2008-05-12T08:32:00.000-07:00

Live hard.

Another one of my bright ideas.

2008-04-21T10:12:00.000-07:00

God, why have you forsaken me?

Reminder to self: Never ever ever ever express any sort of desires for any sort of activity that requires one self to get out of bed at 7 in the morning. Especially to Mir, who has by sudden miracle found the determination to get in shape even though he gets his daily exercise doing the McNasty.

Reminder to Amir: I hate you and please ignore everything I will ever say about random urges to jog in the blardy morning. You should know better.

Reminder to Leen: You suck my non existant balls for not being here so I can drag you along.

RWOAR

(Oh why cant this font be bigger?!)

2008-04-13T09:11:00.000-07:00

When all else fails.

..." I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

2008-03-30T01:20:00.000-07:00

"I know how latent discontent and sorrow that visible determination can mark."

I reckon that you should never try to take pictures while driving, or check out hot people either. Especially when you cant even sing along to the radio and drive consistently at the same time. Yes, Im awesome like that.

2008-03-17T08:40:00.000-07:00

Love is a feat.

We get so lost in the tidal waves of the everydays; the coming and the going that we forget the fundamentals of life.

Incubus-love hurts;
I believe that love should be in its purest form. I dont believe however that you need it to feel alive. "Without love, I wont survive" I refuse to believe that happiness depends on solely that; love, the romantic kind- I refuse.

That part of me is a contradiction. Im a true romantic, but am not one for eternal love.

Sometimes you're filled with so much passion, that if you dont let it out, it'll just consume you. Feels like an insane person in a strait jacket banging against the white walls of borderline sanity. And when you dont get it out. For whatever reason, the masculinity, the vulnerability, the machismo's. It slowly dies out, like one of those flickering candles in the dark.

I think that crippled with all the overplayed and overdrawn scenes of love that we can get so consumed in just one person, that it eludes us, and we fail to see that everything else around us is falling apart.

"Take affection where you can, but dont build your life around it." -Vena Cork.

Although in my case, Im so consumed with an image of a person who doesnt exist. I loved you long before I met you.-Ive built the perfect image of you in my head, dropped and refused anyone who didnt match up. Placed you on a pedestal.

And thats where you lay, thats where you will forever lay.

2008-03-13T23:30:00.000-07:00

The Sun will set for you.

I have never been ignorant about death, never been one of those stupid delusional kids who didnt understand it. Although sometimes I wish I was. My first funeral, was my grandfathers one. I was six, and I knew that he was gone but I didnt feel anything. Not because Im some stone cold stoic person, I just didnt know what to feel.

I still dont know what to feel, its like there's this blood sucking vacuum parasital shit inside me that just wont allow me to wallow. Or maybe its just too profound, too sudden, too frequent that its just embedded that its lost its feel to it.

Nazirul Izwan.
I remember gushing about your doe like eyes to Lina and having fights with boyfriends over you. And how we'd see each other but always just exchange glances but never words.

I hate how I feel like I dont feel enough, and how the magnitude of it all only hits me for fragments of seconds and Im just left dumbfounded. I hate how the only thing I can think of to commerate you is a simple cliche "In loving memory of."

I want to write about you with child like innocence and profound sorrow, but I cant. So here;

Weeping willow,
With your tears running down.
Why do you always weep and frown?
Is it because he left you one day?
Is it because he could not stay?

On your branches he would swing,
Do you long for the happiness,
That day would bring?

He found shelter in your shade,
You thought his laughter would never fade.

Weeping willow stop your tears,
For there is something to calm your fears.
You think death has ripped you forever apart,
But I know he’ll always be in your heart.

Zee, thanks for everything.

2008-03-10T23:41:00.000-07:00

The story will resume.

Been feeling pretty much nothing lately, which could be the explanation to my more than current sober thoughts. Wish I could tell you how I feel, you again, being a very subversive subjective word.

You see the way I feel, Im not going to even try to classify it anymore, its the whole "the grass is greener on the other side" effect Im trying out. But I want to say all this things, all this honest things, but its burried so deep that its just such an effort to drag them to the surface.

This is it, coupled with the heaviest, longest sigh.

2008-03-04T08:36:00.000-08:00

Because God decided to take on the "fuck-us-up" department to a more centralised manner:-

Because everythings been more focused since Leen left back for down under, having 4 hr sleeps has not been compensated with lesbian phone calls/gym whoring and general whoring at that. But mostly because the "fuck me" machine has lost its appeal.

Has left Jihan to be more bitter/cynical and cranky than she generally is.

Sigh. To whatever that gets us through the day; alco, lights and microwaved food.

2008-02-22T10:58:00.000-08:00

Trust;

But could you manage it? Were you not always distraught by expectations? As if all this were announcing the arrival of a beloved. (Where would you find a place to hide him? With all your great strange thoughts coming and going and often staying for the night)

If I could live my life through the lines of Rilke's words, Id be contented.

2008-02-20T04:49:00.000-08:00

Stay.

I write about you so excessively its practically distilled in my fucking veins, and there are moments where I get disconnected and my first thoughts are you. Sub-conscious, consciously I really dont know. I do know that Im sick of it, and the worse part is, is that I want to and I know it.

You try your best to be guarded, but you're an open book instead. I was an open book, and you read me well. Stripped away all my words with just one look. God I hate that look, that whole longing/I want you look. Just wasnt meant for me.

This blog is getting too emolicious. And I feel far more disconnected than Ive ever felt and more than half of my morbid thoughts said aloud were never really lies. You get so good at pretending that you pretty much fool yourself to thinking that you're okay in the end.

I guess its better that way, isnt it? People get tired of the moanings and obscenities and the silence after awhile. So here's what you do, take out that smile from the box on your dressing table and plaster it on. Do the occasional laughter and smiles to show that you're interested in conversations. Talk about things you already know the answers to and most of all, act like you want to be there. Act like you want to be here.

Randoms. Randoms make me happy. Which is very unusual/uncommon with Jihan.

And lastly cause Princess Sophia makes my day. Im getting myself one, that whole strong silent type.

2008-02-19T01:12:00.000-08:00

My bat lightning heart wants to fly away.

Am blogging over at Leens with the curtains down, sprawled over her bed and misplace my heart somewhere between taking a drive out and coming back here. And all thats running through my mind is thoughts of you and I swear this is getting too stale.

I hate you. God I hate you. I hate how your name rolls of my tongue with such casual ease and how you fill up the occupancy rate of my fucking thoughts and any little energy left is devoted to thinking about you. And I dont want to, I dont want to do this over and over again.

I hate you. Period. And Mir would say "But you secretly want him" And thats why I have a dried up post it stuck into my wallet to keep me from falling.

Am going to take a swim and hopefully successfully drown my sorrows for good.

2008-02-15T11:27:00.000-08:00

Happy Jihan/Leen awesome day with omaronthesidelines.

Its past 3 in the morning, and Im sitting here with my dress still on typing out a belated Jihan/leen awesome day with omaronthesidelines post because I suddenly feel so crappy.

Because she needs "a thing."

Because she clearly needs a thing;-

It is you I want,

or just the notion,

of a heart to wrap around,

so I can find my around.

Thanks babe, was just in need of a new heart. And Cheri, miss you loads hope you had an awesome Jihan awesome day.

Sigh, I do need a drink, a man, or a massage. Or a drunken massage by a man. Or maybe just a 'hersheys chocolate kisses pash' and Princess Sophia. Id settle for that, definately.

2008-02-09T05:26:00.000-08:00

Dial 1800 Oms.

I hate it when people throw words around, like they're just that. No meaning, no consequences. I hate it that you threw your words around, I hate that it affected me. That it actually meant something to me, that I actually thought it meant something. I feel like a zombie, walking around with scenes of you replaying in my head over and over. The worst part is, is that Im so fucked, like one of those fucking delusional people who believe in shit.

I never really liked you. I just loved the idea of you. And damn, wasn't that a great idea.

You stood at your door with your hands on my waist, and you kissed me like you meant it.

I know that you meant it.

__________________________________________________________

Sigh, I have no idea what Im going on about, am so knackered but my brain is working on over speed and the voices in my head wont shut up. Its like having an FM radio jammed up my head. And this fucking ant in front of me is running in circles and is making me dizzy and I have no idea how relevant that is but whatever.

And normally Id shut up right now but evidently my filtration system is not working. Also have no idea why I let half sober people drive me out in the Am's and then walk out during a red light intersection traffic light to throw rubbish. And the shits wearing off and fatigue is over riding me. bye

2008-02-02T06:50:00.000-08:00

Pins and needles.

All on a lighter note. Hands down, one of the best.

P.s- Omars bunny made my day. *Swooon*

2008-01-31T22:36:00.000-08:00

Hands down.

Who are we kidding? We speak about honesty and being all truthful, to everyone else, but never to ourselves.

Here I am
Red high heels
Yellow dress
Perfect nails
Lips like velvet
Don’t you want me, baby?

I need to get away. I need to run away. Shut off from the rest of the world with company worth keeping and a bottle to drown my "swimming-capable" sorrows.

What you need isnt someone who will prove trustworthy so you can lie helplessly in their arms. You dont need someone who'll make sure you need them. You need someone who'll build you up. And that means someone who will do everything they can to make sure you dont need them, and then simply hope, of your free choice that you wont leave. Someone themselves who doesnt worry about trust, but will be fearlessly open because he knows his heart is strong enough to survive it if you do go.

Ill never be as low as you.

Thanks for the songs babe, love you.

and to a reformed depressee, a day late;

Happy 18th Bren

2008-01-22T05:30:00.000-08:00

I want a boy with eyes that burn like cigarettes.

Excessive writing. Excessive writing of phrases, lyrics, words; everything that describes what I feel.

Im tired of this shit, the whole sugar coating the truth to not look so vulnerable shit I pull every single time anyone asks me that question. The infamous, "are you ok?" or "what happened?"

So Im trying this new shit where honesty is laid bare, bare for you to lay your fucking perverted eyes on.

You were my perfect maybe. If thoughts counted and you weren't a lying cheating bastard. You were my perfect maybe what could have been.

And you know what else I think? That love should be true. Love should never ever be tainted by lies and deceit, and break ups, break ups should be a one time thing. And if not, a two time thing and it stops there. Period.

Okay so it was never love, more of lust. But who cares, same shit!

2008-01-18T23:22:00.000-08:00

The world is too fragile for people to be untrue.

I find some sort of comfort in reading all my back dated posts, see where Ive been, where Ive come to and realised that everythings still stagnant.

You know how they say "Everything will fall to place, just wait."Well cant things just fall faster?

There's something I like about being high. Heck everyone likes that feeling, but its that feeling where your body feels semi paralysed and you're neither here nor there. Where the voices in your head finally discoveres silence and that you dont feel anything. Now thats the part that I love, that you dont feel anything, you know its there, but it doesnt matter enough to actually be affected by it. To scream, shout, cry, anything. Just anything to let it out. And how everything just slows down, but this time its bearable to go through it.

Its the feeling of finally finding peace thats causing me my studies and everything everyone's counting on me for.

"I learned to drown my sorrows, but my sorrows learned how to swim." There comes a point when you just cant take it, where just one shitty thing added to everything else thats been going on just breaks you.

"The world is too fragile for people to be untrue, too much is at stake." Thank you, you dumbshit. Mucho gracias.

On a lighter note, I swear with that new look, my temptation to push you to the wall and kiss you has taken on a new level.

And so Ive created a new new years resolution- Pash **** and Im 1 down and 2 more to go on my other resolution. Bring on the next two, although I already have someone in mind.

2008-01-15T00:52:00.000-08:00

Desire leaves us heartbroken.

I didn't know what life was -
and then all at once it was
just year to year,
no longer good, no longer new,
no longer wonderful,
As if ripped in two through the middle.

I hate when everything eludes you, when all your sense of practicality just seems to dissolve into that void of nothingness and that desire to believe.

I say fuck it, just fuck it.

2008-01-08T04:51:00.000-08:00

Ramly, beer and baskins.

*Hehe, sry babe

Happy 18th Leen,
you can take comfort it knowing that Im a year older than you.

Ramly, beer and baskins; you know I love you.

P.s- (Cheri, half of them pics are in facebook cause they're too dark to upload here)

2008-01-03T01:47:00.000-08:00

"Oh my God, its like I have 2 eyes."

2007's all wrapped up, and I spent the new years closing a chapter instead of welcoming one. I felt like I needed it, to be alone one last time with the 2 most reliable friends, except due to circumstances I was only left with one.

"I am too much alone, yet not alone enough," I swear Rilke's poem is my life's header. And as much as my bombastic ego refuses me from letting anyone in, this year, its going to be different.

So lets wrap up 07 in a nutshell. This year was exceptionally tough, and I dont think anyone realised how it affected me, considering I dont to feelings and all, so no one saw me flinch the tiniest bit. Friendships crumbled, strained by new experiences and immaturity, my whole focus on the year was definately sidetracked, with more bleakness, smokes and the added expectations that I though would finally leave me.

But relationships grew stronger and new found friends who have been there, equipt with ciggs and silent presence. Just the way I like it. And though this year was one of my shittiest, I guess everyone has to break before they make it. (Although I am so far beyong broken already.)

So Im welcoming the new year, pessimiticly optimistic style. Equipt with resolutions I will surely keep (refer-Leen) and my refound passion;-

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

I cannot end this post without a personal and huge shout out to my gay best friend. Dude, you are the bestest pretend gay best friend ever. Thanks for everything the past year.

2007-12-29T06:15:00.000-08:00

Do the rudebox.

(Joe win, I love you, but you look so gay here)

For the time being, feed on the pics and Ill blog once my internets up and I can actually form full sentences in my head.

Cheri's back frm Hanoi, and see cant form them sentences anymore.

Bye

2007-12-20T07:13:00.000-08:00

Emotional shortage.

Its random, its never specific. Thats the problem; its everything and nothing.

And I just can not. I just cant.

And because God hates me so much, I think my ribs are bruised.

2007-12-03T07:54:00.000-08:00

The heart was made to be broken.

“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.” (Oscar Wilde)

That says it all, doesn't it?

2007-11-30T05:28:00.000-08:00

Put me on a plane and fly me to anywhere.

There's so much to say but yet no words can explain what Im feeling.

"Im fine, she's fine, we're all very fine people."

How many countless of times have I gone through this shit and you'd think they'd somehow magically evaporate after having me live under a banner or avoidance since forever. But no, there it is, still hovering over me, everywhere around me. And I cant take it anymore.

And in a completely irrelevant topic; I want to pash ****

2007-11-29T19:18:00.000-08:00

Oscar Wilde once said, "Ambition is the last refuge of failure"

Stip poker, Grey's marathon, whore's night out and late night cigarette caps. My mind is filtering, and I cant continue sentences.

But, Marina call me ASAP when you get back, thank you.

And let me just say, I dont want to be the designated driver anymore.

And to make Leen happy;
Leen and Jihan, seeking new friends; Rich, Hot, and able to drive.
Please fulfill the above criteria before even thinking of calling, thank you.

2007-11-27T19:38:00.000-08:00

(Rrrrrrrrrrrr)

Lovely joy left blank, perhaps you are
the center of all my labors and my loves.
If I've wept for you so much,
it's because I preferred you among so many outlined joys.

-Rilke-

Not much to say, except for the fake that Im fucking jittery and the boys finished all my fucking ciggs and God knows who the hell took my lighter home. Jesus!

And marathon Leen, come back right know from the grandma's house before I deteriorate in my new found dilemma.

And Cheri need you to come online or call or some fucking shit that has me in contact with you at this very moment.

God dammit!

2007-11-27T02:19:00.000-08:00

Ode on solitude.

Thus let me live, unseen, unknown;
Thus unlamented let me dye;
Steal from the world, and not a stone
Tell where I lye.

-Alexander pope-

Pictures soon.

2007-11-23T08:48:00.000-08:00

Heartbeat.

Okay first off let me say, Amir you're hopeless. You were prolly asleep but that is not an excuse, I needed to pee so badly and I didnt have a key and cause you didnt pick up ur phone I had to climb my gate and was thiiis close to pissing in the drain.

Secondly I am so knackered and I have to wake up in the fucking morning tomorrow for some shit. Also my brain hurts and Im hungry.

"Since then you've walked a thousand miles in silence and short remark"

Cheri, I sent you that song cause thats how I think every love should end, at least those that come as close to the real thing. And I know things seem tough now but its nothing you cant get through.

And although I would love to continue this, my brain hurts too much, just, Im always here for anything and everything.

2007-11-12T07:51:00.000-08:00

How can you hide from what never goes away?

Helped mom pick out an oven today, eventhough I have no absolute clue about shit like that. She asked which was better, I pointed to the one with lots of words underneath the picture.

"Slowly over the years, the data will accumulate in your heart and mind, a computer program of total negativity will build into your system, making life feel more and more unbearable. But you wont even notice it coming on, thinking that it is somehow normal, something about getting older, about turning eight or turning twelve or turning fifteen, and then one day you realise that your entire life is just awful, not worth living, a black dot on the white terrain of human existence. One morning you wake up afraid you're going to live"

In my case Im not frightened of life. 'There is too much to die for, yet too little to live for' I cant remember who said it, or if I read it somewhere, but there's much truth in it.

Sorry for the many epi-paragraphs accompaning each post. Emotions, or lack of emotions or rather the colour black representing all the morose in me is running wild.

Anyways, I will love you to death if you can find me a complete collection of Rilke's poems and a compilation of Heraclitus works.

Which reminds me, I left a heartfelt letter to my conscious in an Econs book that I just returned to the library. With my name signed at the bottom, and come to think of it why the fuck did I have to write my name at the bottom if I was writing it to my fucking conscious?

2007-11-08T23:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday's just a memory, tomorrow is never what its suppose to be.

No matter how hard you try to find, every reason, every explanation, every excuse you can. The truth will still remain as it is, untainted by the amount of words you use to try to manipulate it.

The truth always remains, thats life. And life sucks.

You need something to open up a new door, to show you something you seen before but overlooked a hundred times or more. You need something to open yer eyes- you need something to make it known that it's you and no one else that owns that spot that yer standing, that space that yer sitting, that the world aint got you beat, that it aint got you licked- it can't get you crazy no matter how many times you might get kicked. You need something special to give you hope- but hope's just a word that maybe you said or maybe you heard on some windy corner 'round a wide angled curve- but that's what you need, man, and you need it bad- and yer trouble is you know it too good.

-Bob Dylan-

2007-11-02T09:10:00.000-07:00

Am online eventhough am fucking knackered and really really want to crawl in bed and end the night, except that Im trying to find price estimation shit list for Japan trip so Leen can come.

Which is by far not going so well, because rooms are 136000 Yen. God knows how much that is in Rm, doesnt sound that expensive till Leen says its about 1000 more Aud which equals to abt Rm4000 and more. Which really boils down to the word; FUCKINGSHIT.

Not to add plane tickets, which equals to round trip to Japan, via Korea frm Msia.

Oh my God, God if you make this happen and let Leen come to Japan with me I will fucking repent and not ever swear ever again and start talkin to you more often and foresake all my mini skirts and never live the life of a bitch.

Okay fine lets face it, the only person I have to pray to, to make this shit happen is Leens mom.

Oh Dear Leens mom, (pls read the above) I will also never ever help your daughter use me as a reason ever to see her boyfriend and will repent her from her whore-ish ways.

Amen.

2007-11-01T02:51:00.000-07:00

My over excessive blogging is a mere compensation for my bitching temptations to shove food down my throat, so do excuse me.

Got back late from Halloween with eyelids ready to wrap the night, except that the boys had to come over after a sad trick or treating among themselves and play football in my already tiny home.

The only reason to have a kid is so you can teach her to wear pumps at 4 years old.

Im not making sense and I want to eat!

2007-10-30T09:22:00.000-07:00

Pull the thread and unravel the scarf of my silence.

There are countless of times where I have felt absolutely nothing. Is that normal? To have no feelings at all?

Have rejected almost every request to go out since the year started, the whole anti-social issue is getting to a whole new level. Just that, being around people suffocates me. Its like they literally gnaw at every bit of me, and I feel like I'll lose myself.

Shit how can I lose myself when I havent even found myself?I need one of those "relevation" moments, the kind you read in almost every book and the countless of times you've seen on the screen.

Once when I was desperately missing Cheri, Mir and I came up with this whole "Bring Cheri back home fund" Except that if we did collect enough cash to bring her back, we wouldnt have any to send her home. Which works out great.

"the world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake, and life's too short for lies. And you're the worst kind of person in the world, because you wasted my heart, my time..."

Hearts are not for breaking.

and,

Happy 18th Birthday Leeyana

2007-10-30T00:46:00.000-07:00

Operation 90 pounds.

Before I say anything else, Id like to extend a big thank you to Leen for calling me "slightly transvestite." You're such a dear friend. All I want is male genitalia cause with it comes such power, plus I would also have the chance to finally say 'Suck my cock.' Dont mind me.

Anyways managed to catch "P.Ramlee,the musical" over the week and I dare say that Sean Ghazi's portrayal of the late P. Ramlee is absolutely uncanny. Dad would have loved it, unfortunately he was in Spain at the time, which actually come to think of it, is not that unfortunate.

On that note, got offered to stay in Incheon while they're in LA. But will not contribute to my 90 pounds plan, Hyatt has awesome food. And will miss Leen's arrival for a few days. So leen, you better be able to take that CRV out.

And Cheri's gonna be back in well a month. Woohoo, korean bbq babe. And for the gazillion time, Cheri. Keds, size, try, please!!

Okay, on another note, Im running out of tricks to not eat, and I have just 2 more kg to lose. So ideas please.

Oh I spent my cigarette money on baby's happy meal. So now I am broke and nicotine-less which has been compensated by more than usual excessive cussing.

2007-10-23T05:07:00.000-07:00

Still a size 2

So Im being denied a holiday by my father, summer in Madrid was wonderful, but I was hoping for some massive shopping in LA for the year end. List will be handed to mom to get me my shit while I have a week off to myself without any parental guidance (hopefully) (Oh god hopefully), so if anyone wants to get jiggy with it, call me.

Went to coll today and sat for my papers, high. Head was fkin fogged up, God knows how I managed to sail through mechanics but was dying through thinking skills.

Daddy's brother passed away last night. My condolences, I wish I knew you well enough to call you my uncle.

And does everyone think Im a fkin ATM machine? Card got taken away from me, 2600 gone from my account and another fresh 400 taken from my wallet. Which leaves me with 7 bucks in total. If anyone's interested in donating to the "Jihan's survival foundation" please do not hesitate to pour your sympathy.

2007-10-16T07:15:00.001-07:00

Random.

AS starts tomorrow. Fuck, fuck fuck fuckity fuck! As Leen says, as Mike says, "I am so fucking fuck fucked."

Dad says that if I want to believe in a God, I need my reasons. Well I just want God, thats mine.

Cant fit into a size 1 pair of jeans anymore. Piece of shit!

BMI says Im underweight. Woohoo!!

Dads denied me to my LA trip, says Ive gone too many times. While he, mom and Kyle get to go. Geez, promise Ill ride the fucking rides this time!

Need a fucking cigarette.

Stupid kids, I swear Ill slam your fucking arses to the wall if you dont shut the fuck up!

Why do we need to pee?Its such an effort to walk to the toilet, pull your clothes/knickers down and pee. I say portable toilets, dicks, or no peeing at all.

Amir/Marina did you call me?

Worst student council president ever.

Need a fucking cigarette.

Ali is so hot. Just wanna push him against the wall and rape him.

Leen says I make up fake disorders. I do not, MCS and RLS are real!

Am so bloated, I look 3 months preggers.

Where's my raisins?

2007-10-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

My Person.

Oh hey, look Leen, its you.

Anyways just got a msg from Emir about his new single. So check it out at
http://www.purevolume.com/throneaway

and also, check Jue out on her new series Kami, airs at 10 pm, wednesdays on 8tv, and Ali is mine!

God I should do PR.

P.S- Me and Leen have come to an agreement that air, sex and alcohol should be the essentials to survival. Fuck food man.

2007-10-10T07:31:00.000-07:00

The remembrance ballad.

They say Pictures paint a thousand words.

*The discipline buddy

*Breaks from cheer

*Sports havoc

*Birthday celebrations

*Spm nutters

*The "ori-bf"

*Love notes

*Crunch time

*Lunch dates

*Innocence

*Pancake display rebels (haha)

*Sidetrack cheer (Lost in the streets ok KL for candy eye ex lover)

This is my remembrance ballad.

2007-10-07T05:56:00.000-07:00

I wish I could tell you how I feel. You being an imaginary person, you being a subjective word. You because there is no you. But I cant, I cant because you cant let out things that you dont know. And thats exactly how it is. I dont know what I feel.

"It was like sawdust, the unhapiness: it is infiltrated everything, everything was a problem, everything made her cry- school, homework, boyfriends, the future, the lack of future, the uncertainty of future, fear of future, fear in general- but it was so hard to say exactly what the problem was in the first place." (The Dead girl)

But its not unhapiness, its not disappointment, its nor frustration, its not anger. Its something, a something that began with nothing. And there's nothing I hate more than nothing. Nothing keeps me up at night.

*Finding solace.