Thursday, January 01, 2009
Melt my heart to stone.
Im attempting to get through the first day of a new year without falling back on my knees all over again. Though it was spent with great company and a cigarette burn to remind me always, again I manage with no effort whatsoever to dig myself a grave.
I am so emotionally detached that I cannot be fucked, even more than usual to give a shit about anything or anyone. All I want this year is frankly, just space. Space to grow and more to fall. I don't want to care about this shit called feelings, I've had too much of it and want no part of it at all.
Im sorry that I've changed, that its a complete reverse from what I used to be, that its not gradual but too sharp for even myself to handle. Truth is, I've managed to hide and pretend so much it doesn't feel like playing pretend anymore when you realise its just not there to begin with.
What I need is coffee and cigarettes and the liberty to let loose. What everyone precludes is my fragility and their immediate offer of protection. What they forget is, that I have been taking care of myself this whole time.
I will find myself back this year.