Thursday, September 13, 2007
Im going, going, gone.I am too alone in the world, and yet not alone enoughto make every hour holy.I am too small in the world, and yet not tiny enoughjust to stand before you like a thing,dark and shrewd.I want my will, and I want to be with my willas it moves towards deed;and in those quiet, somehow hesitating times,when something is approaching,I want to be with those who are wise or else alone.I want always to be a mirror that reflects your whole being,and never to be too blind or too oldto hold your heavy, swaying image.I want to unfold.Nowhere do I want to remain folded,because where I am bent and folded, there I am lie.And I want my meaningtrue for you. I want to describe myselflike a painting that I studiedclosely for a long, long time,like a word I finally understood,like the pitcher of water I use every day,like the face of my mother,like a shipthat carried methrough the deadliest storm of all. -Rainer Maria Rilke-Tolstoy once wrote (War and Peace) "Everything that I understand, I understand only because I love."So yes, I understand. I understand, I do. But its the kind of matter that doesnt go away, it lingers, all through the back and corners of my mind. It lingers, but all too vivid, all too vivid that each emotion at every milisecond when you said those words are replayed. Magnified and replayed. Over and over again, like a broken record. And in the words of Bob Dylan, I feel myself "Going, going and Im gone."
On another note, Happy Birthday Mom. I Love you.